Processing
by PearlM21
Summary: Aria tries to process the revelations that emerge about her boss during two pivotal moments in the story (Manga only events.)


I own nothing except for my own ideas. Aria tries to process the revelations that emerge about her boss during two pivotal moments in the story (Manga only events.)

Processing

I think it was the feeling of hurt I felt; at least in part anyway. I know there were some feelings of betrayal, anger, and sadness as well. To think that I could have worked so closely with someone for so long and clearly not know him. How could he have known about those experiments all this time and not have said anything to us? He worked with us so closely, and every time suspicions on the capital came up, he made like he knew nothing. He was lying to us by omission.

What else is he hiding? Does he play any part in this? Is he merely guilty by association, or does he play an active part in them. These were the unfortunate questions rushing through my mind, and I hated these thoughts. However one thing made it all the more confusing: Mr. Lloyd has seemed to have joined Reverse. This doesn't make any sense. If he were in fact such a government drone, then why would he join the resistance group? Was it an eventual change of heart and feelings of guilt, or has he always had these feelings of disapproval of the government and finds now is the right time to act with getting fired?

Then there's the fact that even if the government is doing some nasty things, Reverse isn't exactly a clean organization. Why would he want to associate with people like that? However maybe he does have the intention of trying to change things. Maybe I should have a little more faith in him. We may have gotten on each other's nerves, but I can't believe that kindness, caring, and respect for everyone under him was some sort of façade. I just can't. It's so rare to find a boss that treats their workers with that kind of respect. He was always trying to look out for us. I may be upset with him, but my heart tells me that this wasn't all a lie.

Little did I know that my processing of this whole situation would soon be complicated even more. His feelings and actions now made so much more sense. How in the world could he have that kind of past? He always seemed so calm, gentle, and carefree; often a bit too carefree. Now looking back on it, there were some signs.

I never asked personal questions. I'm not the kind of person to pry, and so many people have horrible trauma in their pasts. You can find orphans living on their own wherever you go. It's just the nature of the world we live in. However I never could have imagined what Mr. Lloyd's past was like. To find out that he technically was a person of such high status was one thing, but to find out how he left the capital was a horrifying shock. How could any father possibly be so cruel to his wife and especially to his own child?

You would never have known he had such an upbringing by how he acted, but now thinking on it, why did his eyes always look so tired? Mr. Lloyd may be a bit older than me, but he's still not that old. Those weren't aging lines; those were bags from emotional and physical stress. Although I am still upset by the idea, I can understand why he didn't tell anyone this. He had to keep it all to himself.

Then there was the toll all those experiments must have taken on his health. Periods of time where he was feeling unwell that I originally thought nothing of now made sense.

How could he even begin to explain any of this to anyone? I don't know how I could if I were in this situation. He was the only one outside of the capital who knew what was going on, and he had to keep it all to himself. That must have felt horrible.

However, I still can't help but feel some anger towards him. Goche. For how long did myself and Sylvette along with many others lament over his disappearance, then on his reappearance that ended up being even more bizarre than his disappearance? How often was this issue discussed right in front of him? How often did he see us stress and cry over Goche's predicament? He made like he knew nothing again and again. Yes it was unlikely he knew specifics, but he definitely had an idea of the possibilities.

He like myself always kept on eye on Sylvette and tried to help her. While of course that was in no way a bad thing, how could he have looked her in the eye with keeping all this from her?

Maybe he tried to suppress it himself and pretend like his reality was different. It must have been incredibly difficult dealing with having that past and all that knowledge. It must have been crushing; especially with no one to share it with. There was no easy way to explain any of this. Plus, maybe at that time we were all better off not knowing. That way we could have still carried the hope of Goche's return. If he told us what likely happened to him, there would have been no hope left.

Besides, letting that information slip carried risks I'm sure. The government keeps all that a secret for many obvious reasons. Besides, Mr. Lloyd literally changed his last name and was trying to live a bit under the radar (though I do have to wonder how successful he was at that with him being the master of the Bee hive and all). Revealing any private information from the capital was risky, especially since he apparently got it by sneaking around as a child. Now that sounds a bit more like him now that I think of it. Thinking of Mr. Lloyd doing that actually puts a bit of a smile on my face. I could imagine him being a bit mischievous, especially if his adult form is anything to go by. His name isn't even actually Mr. Lloyd, which is frustrating, but he'll always be Mr. Lloyd to me anyway. Besides, he likely has no desire to ever go by his father's name again anyway for obvious reasons.

My brain is having such a hard time processing this. It just keeps going from one thought to the next. One thought then entered my mind with clarity: Regardless of anything, we still had the right to know, as Goche's loved ones and as Mr. Lloyd's friends. No. We were all more than friends at the Bee Hive. We were all family. So many come from broken lives with missing relatives, but here we are all family.

Maybe he should have trusted us more. Maybe I should have noticed his pain. I spent the most time with him out of anyone else here. Maybe I should have asked how he was doing more. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. That's all that kept going through my brain, but that doesn't help here. I hate that the next thought that crossed my mind was "Who is to blame?" "Who's at fault?"

My answer was that there's definitely enough blame to go around but that this is none of our faults. Even the government has a bit of a leg to stand on given the situation. It doesn't excuse their cruelty, but their reason for doing what they were doing was understandable. There really aren't any good answers for this, are there?

I forcibly pushed those thoughts out of my mind. I was having a hard enough time processing this situation with my boss. I didn't have enough energy to focus on the impending apocalypse, even though that would obviously be the more pressing issue.

Maybe I should just trust those I love, including Lag to help fix things. If anyone could do it lag can. Maybe I just need to trust Mr. Lloyd more as well. I tried thinking about how I really feel about Mr. Lloyd. What comes to mind when I think of him? There's that annoying carefree attitude. That's for sure, but then there was how kind and considerate he always was to me.

I thought on how he always praised all the accomplishments I made on my deliveries, and on how he looked out for me with my lack of coordination issues and got me and inside job. Then I thought on how out of all the people there he thought highly enough of me to higher me for the position directly underneath him. Then I thought to that "incident" a while back at the Bee Hive where he gently covered me with his jacket while he was essentially being suspended. I was worried what was going to happen to him, but his eyes only showed concern for me at that moment. He felt like a big brother or a father trying to protect me. That's the Mr. Lloyd I want to remember right now. No matter what kind of abusive past he has and no matter what kind of questionable things he's done, I know in my heart that that is who he really is. Those were my final thoughts as I cuddled with Bolt and drifted to sleep.

Notes:

The part with the bags under Largo Lloyd's eyes is something that does actually appear in cannon, or at least that's how I saw his eyes. I noticed it while I looked at pictures and clips of him after watching then reading the series and thought it a great little detail the creator put in. As I stated through the thoughts of Aria, yes he may be older than most if not all of the other characters, but he's still not that old, so those can't be age lines. If the Wiki is accurate, his age is supposed to be between 35 and 40. That's not old enough to have something that extreme due to age. He even has this when he's younger as a regular working Bee and when he's even younger still as a child. It doesn't appear that any other character has this going on with their eyes. I thought it a nice connection to the emotional and physical load he is carrying all the time, all the while having that carefree persona. Just think on all of them. There's the airship incident. He was supposed to be on it, but he got sick. It ended up crashing. Everyone got injured, and most didn't make it, including the person who replaced him. Granted, if I remember correctly even though that person was supposed to have died I think he was the skeleton thing they used as a gatekeeper to the capitol, but I digress. Then there's the incident with Elena. Her death definitely weighs on him. That's on top of the fact that he is hiding his identity, so no one finds out he's actually the son of the head of state in disguise. He had an extremely traumatizing childhood where his mother and himself were subjected to experiments ordered by his own father. He eventually saw her die as something other than human. You then have to factor in that he knows all these secrets and has to keep it all to himself. He has those bags and dark marks under his eyes due to physical toll those experiments took on his body, as well as the physical toll of the disease he later found out from his father he has which was part of the reason he did that to him in the first place, and has them from the emotional toll of having all this baggage he keeps to himself. Thunderland's father made a good point when commenting in his end of volume notes on Largo and the Elena situation that he shouldn't keep all these things bottled up. I liked the idea of exploring these hidden aspects of his character through someone else.


End file.
